Plagiarism

self portrait, with teeth, no thumbs

Dear Diary,

I just wanted to let you know that we have our own byline and the human has been claiming credit for it. For quite some time, she has been submitting our articles and using our name and telling people she wrote the stuff.

I am here to set the record straight. She does not do any of the writing except the stuff that requires opposable thumbs, like this note. Lulu and I, well, really me. I think up this stuff and get it all formed in my head and then I write it all out.

I am taking online courses that teach you how to master the keyboard without thumbs, so in no time at all I will personally be submitting the work and the human will have to be satisfied with picking up poop.

Just wanted to set the record straight. Now. Can someone open the treat jar? Why do they make those things so you need thumbs!!!

Sincerely,

Phoebe

Happy Birthday Lulu!

Dear Diary,

Today I am 5. Apparently I have a few gray hairs, but little do the humans know that I have already made an appointment at the salon for a little color rinse. I DO know how to use the internet, after all. You don't have to call for an appointment!

Other than that, and my pesky sister, I am sure that turning 5 is not a big deal. I expect that they will host a very big party soon, although I have yet to see the invitations. Perhaps I will have to order them myself.

But, it is business as usual. A little nap, followed by a siesta in the sunshine, followed by a snack and then followed by a chair nap. Sounds good to me.

Happy birthday to me!

Love, Lulu

Phoebe Hires a Fitness Trainer

Phoebe listens to the sounds of Lulu sucking down a Mai Tai

Dear Diary,

It wasn't something we planned, but since we had the internet to ourselves and I was not interested in any new couture, Phoebe thought she'd shop for some new balls. Turns out when she googled new balls she got "fitness trainers". Who knew?!

That is when she decided that she wished to look like her friend Stell-a who has a Jayne Mansfield chest and a haunches that make Jlo jealous. Turns out Stell-a is a runner. Phoebe, when she looked up "running" as a fitness option, turned quite pale and yowled something close to panic.

That is when she clicked on racket ball. Racket ball is where you hit a really small ball with this thing like a fly swatter and bounce it against the wall. All Phoebe heard was ball flying through the air, and she had visions of fetch.

So she hired a trainer online to teach the art of fetch. Everyday they go to the park on the corner that says dogs must be on 6 foot leads, and he takes off her 6 foot leash since she is a client first, dog second. And then the workout begins.

He launches the ball slowly at first to get her warmed up and then lobs it with a crazy contraption that zooms the ball into outer space quite far. But Phoebe, bless her, is always one step ahead. I do think she needs doggles for the sunnier days because the ball often lands on her face before she can spot it. Might help if they used a ball that wasn't the same color as the sun..... Just saying.

Personally, I am worried about how out of shape she is. I can see the definition starting in her rear, and the chest is looking pretty good too. But she wheezes an awful lot. The trainer says that in a month if she is still wheezing she might want to try water aerobics with the senior class that starts at 8 every morning. I'm sure they would love to have her.

In the meantime, she fetches with a vengeance.

And I sip a Mai Tai in my lounge chair.

Love, Lulu

Old is New: The Farrah Hair Craze

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still in the make-up chair..........

Lulu with extra light highlights.......

Phoebe is perfecting the pout

Lulu & Phoebe Unplugged

When not testing the latest EV autos, Lulu and Phoebe like to travel. Their recent adventure at Fort Baker, under the Golden Gate Bridge to celebrate the human's getting really old birthday, was as much fun as it could get if you are a dog and get to play endlessly on beaches, eat at restaurant bars, and generally get to explore where really big birds poop.

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First, Lulu and Phoebe get a look at the Golden Gate Bridge from the Marin Headlands. Apparently the treats in front of them are more interesting than one of the modern seven wonders of the planet behind them.

Next, under the bridge, at the beach, Phoebe runs like the wind to catch her ball. Her enthusiasm for speed often gets her in trouble. She will skid, turn in the air, and go flying, butt over head, trying to catch the ball. She can catch. She just can't stop without the skidding.

Last, a little Blair Witch video of Lulu and Phoebe at the beach. When being both videographer and ball thrower, something will go awry. As usual, Phoebe gets the ball and Lulu gets to cheerfully hop right along. The amount of sand on their faces is clearly equal to their joy.

What bridge?

Phoebe skidding into a turn

and she turns without stopping....

Never, ever, give her the keys to the car!

Practicing a slide, skid and catch

Where we are humiliated trying out EVs

Dear Diary,

Our humans insisted we try out these very new EV cars. First of all, how humiliating that they let Phoebe drive the right handed one! Honestly, she has no concept of right or left, but that didn't seem to matter.

It also didn't seem to matter that we really never were actually inside these vehicles. Imagination, said the human! Imagination! Very funny. If you are going to force me to have imagination, it sure as heck will not be about an EV. Couture maybe. Jambon, yes. Ice cream, yes. A knuckle bone, yes! And smelly worms. Yes yes yes! But not this stuff.

Anyway, we voted for the purple one. It really is the tidiest and the cutest of them all. The second one, Coda, is made by a specialty American company, but made entirely in China. Even I know something is not quite right about that. The tiny tiny silver one, Smera is Parisian and you can buy it now in Paris. The only odd thing is that you can have a passenger in back, or a package. Every time I would pick the package so that probably won't work for me and Phoebe. It is like half a smart car.

And the little purple one is called i-Mi from Mitsubishi. Available only in Japan, it is very expensive! Way more than any couture that I would own. We like that one the best but so far Mitsubishi is not impressed with our modeling job and won't gift us the car. I even told them my name was Angelina Jolly but that didn't work either. Sigh.

Anyway, as silly as it is, here we are. Driving. What will they think of next? Having us skipper a sailboat? Flying a Lear? Or running a new Dyson around the house?

Can anyone send for me? I need a vacation!

Love, Lulu

Under the Orange Bridge

Dear Diary,

Phoebe and I were on vacation recently. The humans took us to the coast of California. Just kidding. We live on the coast of California. But since it is a big coast, they took us to another part. First, we went over that giant orange bridge. Orange is just not my color. I wouldn't mind at all if they painted it purple, but that's just me. We drove up this giant hill on a winding road to take some photos. Notice how we are gripping the bench because the wind was ferocious and was going to blow us off the hillside. I am using big words here because I had plenty of time to read the dictionary while we were driving and driving.

I had no idea California was bigger than France. Really. It all seems the same to me until we are in the car. Anyway, we stayed at this knockoff resort place under the orange bridge that the humans thought was all that. First, I want to tell them that it is not all that. The rug was hideous and the couch was just this side of Grandmas. It just needed plastic on top and it would have been identical. Geez.

The bar was fun though. It had outside tables so Phoebe and I were able to join in on the fun. Apparently you can eat at the bar because we had some great French Fries. I could take a pass on the salad, but I do have to say that the burger was pretty good the first night. I read the reviews and knew that the food wasn't consistent, so I was not surprised when my burger the second night was not exactly the same. It looked a lot like chicken actually.

Phoebe just loved the beach, but then again, she has a good complexion for the beach. I need a sunhat. And that sure didn't happen. Fortunately it was cold and the humans didn't last long. We went for lunch after that all the way to the end of the planet to a place called Bolinas. You can find dogs hanging out on top of phone booths there. Who knew?!

All in all, it was a pretty good vacation. I could have spent more time shopping in Mill Valley where the couture was abundant. I did score some new toys, but not any couture. Sadly, the humans didn't feel the need for more clothes since space is premium. Fortunately for me, I memorized the credit card numbers again. Next time we are home alone, I can shop online. I just need to get Phoebe to sit on Mom's shoulder again to get the new password........

Have to go now. Still pulling sand out of places that are unmentionable.

Love, Lulu

Grooving to W.D.O.G.

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Every now and then Phoebe and Lulu sit around listening to W.D.O.G. What is W.D.O.G. you ask? It is a special special radio frequency station that only certain dogs can hear and they groove to it. Phoebe really grooves to it when she is either fixated on a ball or watching paint dry. Either will do.

Here she is having a W.D.O.G. moment (don't forget the sound- the girl has rhythm). Later she will enjoy a walkie where she spends hours minutes checking her pee-mail.

Next time you see a dog staring off into nowhere, just think W.D.O.G.

This is Not My New Cellphone!

Dear Diary,

Lulu and I are really sorry for not being around for a bit. First off, it is really hard to get on the computer cause our mom hogs it. Have you ever tried to offer a dog treat to a human ? And they won't let us near the chocolate! So I can't train her at all! Humph.

Last weekend was mother's day and we both sent cards to our moms. The dog moms. We aren't sure where they live anymore, but that's ok. We know that they loved us once and were happy we went to live in a good home. If only they knew! Ok. Seriously, for mother's day we really went all out. First we didn't bark much at all which is a great gift. I thought of that one. And Lulu got mom a really nice stick. It is lovely. Mom stuck in a glass and made all kinds of leaky noises over it. Really. What a suck up Lulu is. I thought not barking much was way better.

Anyway, our grandparents were here too, and we took them, oh, ok, the humans took them to brunch, and dinner, and San Francisco. All without us. Now that really was a bummer, but we were really really good at home alone. We got cookies and the run of the place and Lulu didn't do too much damage on the credit card. Just wait till the Prada arrives! And I ordered some bully sticks since mom never gives us any. We just have to make sure to catch the UPS guy first. By the way, he sure is cute. Do they make them all that cute cause we sure have had that kind of luck. Although the other guy liked us better and let us go in his truck. This one just gives us a look, but wow, what a look it is!

Mom made us some more food today and it smelled just perfect. I can't say I enjoy the broccoli, but I know that Lulu does. I prefer the spinach myself. The chicken is always just perfect and this time she precooked the brown rice so it really is soft instead of crunchy. Much tastier.

If anyone wants visitors for sometime in the summer, just let us know. I think we need a vacation. And some time on the computer. Perhaps we should get iphones? I've tried an ipod and I am pretty sure that I could hit the right keys on the iphone if I practiced. Of course, Lulu has smaller digits and could probably do a better job. Maybe if I tell her she can twitter....

Don't worry. I know when to use the computer now. Mom does spend a bit of time in the loo.......

oops - got to go!

Love and kisses,

Pheebs

North Pole? Global Toasting Anyone?

Dear Diary,

Two days after it was 800 below, it was 97 degrees in the shade. I don't know about you, but our paws just can't take it anymore! I am afraid we will need to order some footwear if this keeps up. The sidewalks were warm enough to toast the toes, cook a kibble, and dry the poop in no time flat.

Phoebe and I sent a note to Al Gore to ask him about this. He sent us back a copy of some Truthiness movie. We tried to watch it but fell asleep. I think that if there was better music it might have kept our attention.

Anyway, we had a few days of that miserable toastiness and then voila! This morning it was cold enough for a sweater (but guess who forgot to get them out for us...Mom!). A girl cannot poop very well while shivering. It gets all over and some of us don't like that. At all! But enough about that.

We got a new bed for our nighttime hotel called a crate. It is the very first one ever that came with movable sides so we don't have to press against the cold walls. Good one mom! And thanks to Auntie Miyon for finding it first. It really is comfy and soft. And as long as Phoebe doesn't goober it up with snot we should be good. She did barf up a pea from her dinner the other night, slept on it and then left it there the next day. I could have slapped her silly! The humans close the door to the hotel during the day and that pea spent all day sitting there. Good thing I got there first that next night! I was coveting the pea all day long. Nothing like a used dried pea to take the edge off.

Got to go and stand in front of my dresser drawer now until my mom figures out I will need a fleece for our walk in the morning. She is a pretty good mom, but man, is it hard to train her sometimes. Since I am not allowed to have chocolate, training her with treats is tough. She really prefers chocolate to diced dried carrots. Wouldn't you know.

I understand, at least as much as I can when they speak in English, that we are going for a nice walk on Saturday. Hope there are coffee shops on that walk. I am really craving croissants and a latte.

Bye for now,

Love, Lulu

Inspiration. Meet Susan Boyle.

Dear Diary,

Lulu and I are taking a break today from our assorted nonsense to bring you someone you must meet.

Meet Susan Boyle. Lulu and I are leaking from our eyes listening to this. We dare you to not cry!

Dream big, people. Dream big!



All our love,

Lulu and Phoebe

How Did We Get to the North Pole?

Dear Diary,

It seems we moved farther than we thought. Apparently we live in the North Pole. How do Phoebe and I know this you ask? Easy. First the wind chill made it about 800 below this morning out there and I think Santa lives around the corner. Sure sure. He wears tee shirts when it isn't the holidays, but no mistaking that guy.

Today when we went for a walk I literally blew away. My mom had to reel me in on the leash and hold me. She said it was that way or I'd have to get attached to Phoebe for ballast. Neither was fine with me, but I didn't have a choice. It isn't fun weighing 10 pounds when the wind is blowing at 300 mph. Phoebe's fat butt helped her stay on the ground, but just.

I'm all for relocating to FL now. I know about the humidity and all that, but this wind chill thing here is ridiculous. Where are we? Middle Earth?

Anyway, I am totally annoyed because I can see the sun shining out there and it makes me want to go out, but then I see the trees dipping over and that doesn't seem like fun. Not only can you get blown away, but tickled in the rear by a giant palm tree in 800 below something degrees. No thanks!

I guess I will just go find the notebook computer and use the secret credit card to order some more couture. Do you think Prada makes a windproof coat?

Shhhh. Don't tell my mother. She's busy making more cookies for humans. She should be making more cookies for canines. Maybe I will order some of those too.

Later,

Lulu

Wanted: Internet that is in Good Condition and Works

Dearest Diary,

Hi there, Phoebe here. Lulu is taking a break because she refuses to leave the kitchen. She thinks if she stays in her lovebucket in the kitchen long enough, our mom will keep giving her treats. It's been week now, and the only time she leaves is when our mom puts the leash on and carries her outside. Honestly, I am getting annoyed. Sometimes I keep her company, but that is so boring.

I need someone to play with me. Someone to chase me. Someone to pretend to take the toy away. I've reasoned with her. I've bribed her. I even told her she could have my treats, but nothing doing. I am going to have send an anonymous note to the humans about this if she doesn't cut it out soon!

In other news, we are back online again. Mom has had lots of meltdowns this past week. First her computer broke and dad built her a new one. Then the internet, whatever that is, went on vacation without providing adequate back up coverage. I hear you can get fired for that! Then it would come back really slow like and then not at all. Then the repair guy would show up (he was fun!) and nothing would work.

Finally, mom bought a bag of miniature tootsie rolls and everything is ok again. I guess the internet came back from vacation because I am writing this and it works. Too bad. I liked the internet repair guy cause he told me stories about his dog. He had lots of stories cause he was here all day long. I wonder if Comcast cares that the repair guy was at our house all day and didn't get around to fixing anything?

I know how to get Lulu out of the kitchen! I will tell her I wrote in the diary. That will do it for sure!

Later dude.

Love, Pheebs

My Mom is Just Not Coordinated

Dear Diary,

I am so sorry Mom. I really don't want to make fun of you because you are so old and all, but really, can you make us look any more dorky? Today we went for a walk with my mom and she tried to use two flexi leads that roll out to 400 feet each. That means if Phoebe pulls on the lead she can go to the store and back while still attached to a leash. And if I want to be a smarty pants, I can pull in the other direction and go to the park and back. Meantime our mom is still trying to hold those two handles, find the locking thing, and pick up the poop while watching us wander off. Silly Phoebe decided to pop down about 6 townhouses over and wander up the steps just to see what was cooking.

Mom is still trying to figure out the locking thingy and pick up the poop, so I thought I would help out and get Phoebe to follow me back home, across the street. That didn't work out so well. I guess those lamp posts don't let you tug the leash through. Apparently both of us got wrapped around the post while mom tried to pick up the poop, lock the thingy and untangle us at the same time. The only thing funnier would have been if someone had taken a picture of us like the man with the cell phone pointed at us, laughing his head off. I should have bitten his ankle.

Anyway, we made it home and mom wasn't sweating too much. Phoebe had no idea what had gone on because she is that way. I'm surprised we got to have a treat when we got inside, but if it makes any difference, I found the flexi leads stashed under the shoes in the closet. I don't think we will be using those again for a while. Or at least not with one person, two flexi leads and two dogs, and a few lamp posts in between.

By the way, I looked for Phoebe's ball today. Seems it is gone. I bet Phoebe popped a hole in it and the air went away. Mom and dad took all of Phoebe's balls away anyway. They said she had smashed her head too many times trying to catch it and she needed a break so her brain doesn't break off. I got news for them.

Later diary. Time for a walkie.

Love, Lulu

Woe

Dear Diary,

I have a headache. I wish they had something for dog migraines, but I have to tough it out. First, the hot water. It got fixed pretty early which was terrific. I even got a nice warm bath! And the human dad got a nice shower this morning, but alas, no hot water. Again! So Mom sent in another work order and followed it up with a trip to the office with Phoebe and me for cuteness, and they said they would be here in about a half hour. I don't tell time very well, but I think it has been at least four half hours so far. Mom is getting really peeved.

Yesterday, when she was out on the patio putting stuff back in the closet (which did not fit, by the way!) Phoebe was playing with her big blue ball. It just lifted into the air and the wind carried it all the way off our patio into the courtyard and then into someone else's patio. Someone with a small kid! Phoebe was right there in a flash. That girl should be a speed racer and jumper. She hopped over those walls before our Mom could even blink. Oh oh. While it was easy for her to leap over, it would not be so easy for a human to do that. Mom tried calling her back, but Phoebe was possessed by the ball. She gets like that. I tried to slink back into the house so I would not get in trouble, but since I also didn't want Mom to slip and break her neck I thought I should help her chase after Phoebe. Wrong! Man! I didn't do anything wrong, but she yelled at me to get in the house. Talk about rude, Madame!

Anyway, I had fun watching her try to leap over walls to get to Phoebe, and finally Phoebe came back, looking really sad and all. She lost her ball and couldn't get it back over the wall and Mom was so mad at her she didn't even go look for the ball.

Today on our walk I saw it mixed in with the little kid's patio toys so I guess it now belongs to them. Poor Phoebe. If she ever sees it she will be so sad. And mad. I overheard Mom telling Dad that Phoebe cannot have balls on the patio anymore. Oh dear.

See why I have a migraine? No hot water. Again! No balls. And Mom still hasn't had her coffee because she can't leave us alone while waiting for them to get here to fix the hot water. Do they deliver coffee? I found the credit card - I could get take-out!

Let's hope tomorrow is better.

Love, Lulu

ps - don't tell Phoebe about her ball's new home!

Hey? Where's My Hot Water?

Dear Diary,

Today we have no hot water. None. So Phoebe and I cannot have our morning soak in the tub. But nice to know that one can submit a work order online. Hopefully that will get some attention quickly because a dog and her bath should not be parted.

And the only reason we could submit it online easily is because our dad built us a new computer this weekend. Some dads make pancakes, others make tree houses. Our dad makes new computers from parts. While we slept through most of it, we certainly were excited to see that it works. Now all I need is that pesky credit card that mom hid somewhere safe. Wherever the chocolate is, we know that is where the credit card will be!

Phoebe and I are still enjoying our new house. Excuse me, apartment home, as they call it. We especially enjoy the carpets and the kitchen. Mom got some new kitchen stools that Phoebe can reach, but I have a tough time because I am only 12 inches tall. Don't they make shorter ones? I will have to practice because it isn't fair that she gets to see the kitchen counter and I cannot.

I must run now diary. I have to go nap before nap time is up. Then it is walk time. Then it will be volley ball time, and after that, free swim, then snack and then rest time again, then dinner, then silent reading (hear that Phoebe?) and then bed. Phew. I need a nap.

Love, Lulu

We Like It!

Dear Diary,

We found you! It took days to get the computer back up and running cause someone killed the power supply (mom). But we waited patiently, depending. We love our new place. It has carpet so the BT500 is so much fun, and I (lulu) can tug with Phoebe all I want and she can't drag me around the house anymore. Perfection.

We like going for walks and sometimes meeting new dogs. Phoebe still thinks she owns the place and woofs at them, but mostly they just laugh at her. At night in our crate she asks me how come everyone laughs at her. I just can't figure out how to tell her that her ears wobble like weebles (look that one up people!) cause it might hurt her feelings. She has no idea that her ears flop.

The place is small so we don't get lost as much, and it is much easier to know when the humans are making food cause the kitchen is in the middle of it all. We even have beds in the kitchen so we can hang out and catch stuff.

There is a big giant lap pool here yet we aren't allowed to use it. That is a shame because I ordered a wonderful new swimsuit from the Prada spring collection. Just don't tell. The credit card worked! But not a problem. I really just wanted to laze about in the sun anyway, and there are lots of rays on the patio.

I will get you some pictures soon Diary. First we have to find the camera. Hard to believe that the humans can drive that tin can we call a limo, let alone pack a lunch or our stuff.

And yes, our toys were the first to be unpacked. Actually they were never packed. However, someone put them up high because a certain floppy eared girl was taking advantage and undoing the seams again.....

Good to be back. Now, if only I could find the credit card again. I found a sunhat to go with the swimsuit.

Later Diary.

Love, Lulu and the pesky Phoebe

More Adventures in Moving

Dear Diary,

Mon dieu! I found you! I thought you were lost, but you were just under a giant pile of stuffs. Mom finally moved around the piles and there you were.

We are down to the week when the mover's show up. At least the guy looks like Kevin Spacey so that's ok with me. The humans have moved a lot of our stuff over to the new place, including our dishes and food. But we are still in the old place. Do you have any idea how awful a stale bologna sandwich tastes? Ick.

We still have things to move over, but I guess later today we have to help our Mom put away the food in the cupboards. I think she is counting on our help because the bottom cupboards are only made for people who are about 12 inches tall. Phoebe and I are the right height! We'd be glad to help put the food away.

I promise to get the camera out and take photos of the new place soon. It is not too bad. The good part is that it is close to Gordie's house and there is tons of grass for us. The bad part is that there aren't enough rooms for me to hide from Phoebe.

It'll be better once my sofa is there. With my blanket on it. In the sunshine. Hear that, Mom?

Love, Lulu

We Have a Boyfriend Named Gordie

Dear Diary,

My parents need to go away more often. We got to spend the day at Auntie Robin's house with my boyfriend, Gordie. I couldn't believe how long it had been since we had seen each other! Holy smokes, he has a mustache now! He said I have better curves too. Robin didn't even notice when we went off in the other room alone. We didn't do anything but talk, honest! He is such a good listener.

Lulu played with us, but she was way more interested in what was cooking in the kitchen. She sure enjoys the kitchen. We had to take a nap or two, but that was ok. I got to snuggle up with my boyfriend.

I hope our mom realizes that I need to visit with Gordie more often. We have to meet in real life cause we don't have email. That sucks. But my mom says we will be living close to Gordie when we move real soon. Don't get me started on the piles of stuff here. I have to keep digging Lulu out of the mess!

I love you Gordie! Phoebe and Gordie together forever.... Lulu says hey.

We sure did sleep really well later on. Wow.

Love,

Phoebe

Desparately Seeking Lulu

Dear Diary,

Phoebe here. You should see my house! It is a mess. I love it. My mom does not though and she is pretty cranky. I try to cheer her up bringing her balls and toys but she is not in the mood for slimy things I guess. I can't find Lulu. I think she still might be buried under the pile of stuff. Or one of the piles. I thought I heard a snore, so I guess she is still breathing.

I've kept an eye on our stuff and so far she hasn't tossed any of it into the "go" pile which is good. I would hate to have my favorite toys go away. Right now she is cleaning out the office and I guess there are things she hasn't seen in years. I don't understand what that means because time is kind of confusing, but if it was something to eat, that would be really cool! Old food is the best. But so far it is just stuff that goes into the pile to "go".

Can anyone tell me where "go" actually is? I keep hearing both my mom and dad saying that and I am not sure. I hope that they don't make me "go" too. I've been really really good and I hide in my lovebucket so I won't get in the way.

Too bad she isn't cleaning out the kitchen yet. That could be lots of fun!

I'd better go find Lulu. It's been two days now.

Later.

Love, Phoebe

We're Moving. Not the Diary. Our House. We're Packed!

Dearest Diary,

I am so sorry for not writing yesterday, but I thought I lost you! The woman seems to be gathering things and making big piles of stuff. I think I know why. It was a busy weekend. We went to so many places the pee mail is all confused - I can't remember who sent what. But the last place we went had some really great wi-fi pee mail spots. And there was this hovel thing that had carpet and a giant steel box that looks like the same thing that holds our dinner stuff here. I am pretty sure I heard them talking about how we will love living there.

At first I was terrified because I thought we were getting a divorce from our parents, and were being sent to live there, but it turns out we are all going to live there. Good thing because neither I nor Phoebe can open that giant box ourselves to get our food out. At least there is carpet so our butts will stay warm.

And it is really close to Gordie's house cause I could smell some of his pee-mail. Ok. I didn't smell it. Mom told me.

Phoebe doesn't know that other people live there too, like tons of other people so she starts to woof at them like she owns the place. Funny! I wonder how long that will last? There is a big pool, and we love pools, but I heard that we can't go in there. Not fair. There should be dog hours since so many of us live here.

So I guess that is why there are so many piles around. It is small so we have to get rid of lots of stuff. But she better not touch one toy! Those are going with us! She could get rid of the thing with bars, you know, the jails. That would be ok. I am pretty sure I could get Phoebe to sign a no eating furniture contract. But it will cost her. I am sure I will have to pay Phoebe in loofas or kongs.

More later. Gotta climb out from under this pile cause I can't breath! You'd think she'd figure out she buried the computer?

Love you Diary,

Lulu

Ballroom Dancing

Dear Diary,

Lulu here. What a surprise I have for you! Phoebe and I are taking ballroom dancing lessons. It isn't easy, but we have been practicing so much lately getting ready for our recital. I really appreciate that our mom understands that every little dog who loves couture as much as I do, must learn a little bit of dance. After all, I wouldn't want to be a wallflower. Phoebe goes along, but I really think she is in it for the yogurt.

Here we are practicing and doing very well I think. Our foot work isn't quite right yet, and without opposable thumbs it is hard to hold hands, but we are working on it. I really appreciate that Phoebe is working hard to not knock me over so much anymore.

Tell us what you think!

Thanks Diary.

Love and kisses,

Lulu

We Love Cleanup Day

Dear Diary,

Lulu here. Yesterday was just so interesting. I knew it was chauffeur day because my mom starts cleaning up before the clean up people come to the house to clean up, and we go out so we aren't in the way.

All our toys get picked up and my Mom cleans the lint off of our nylabones. We don't like that. The lint is actually the tastiest part of the thing. Until you get it full of lint and floor stuff it really does taste kind of dull and an awful lot like vanilla pudding without the bourbon.

Before we leave Phoebe always pretends to vacuum with the Dyson. Personally I leave the vacuuming to the professionals, or at least to someone who weighs more than the Dyson, but Phoebe doesn't seem to be afraid.

Then she gets our harnesses on and off to the limo we go. Since it was a nice day we didn't get bundled in blankets which is good because it is awfully hard to bark with any seriousness when you look like ET. I really hate when people next to us at the stoplight point and laugh when we are barking at them. We look much more effective without the blankets with tiny bunnies on them. And it would also work much better if Phoebe would stop licking the windows and wiggling at them while I am busy barking.

I love clean up day. It comes so seldom, but when it does we get a day full of treats and stuff. First we go to some place where they have recently walked the children and if we are terribly lucky, we get to follow the same path as the children who drop cheerios everywhere. Mom doesn't like us to eat them, but we take turns distracting her. Phoebe will pull in one direction while I dumpster dive for the cheerios and then I pull in the other direction so Phoebe can get a few. If my mom knew how much we actually cooperate with each other we could get in really big trouble! Don't tell her please!!!

Then we get to sit on fluffy mats and watch people while my Mom pretends to drink coffee. Because we can't go into the coffee stores with her, she always misses out on a coffee when we go out with her. I should really explain to her that there is a walk up window there but she always seems to forget. I am torn, Diary. If I pull her to the window, we will miss the cheerios. But I get a tiny tug of guilt when I see her pretend to lift a pretend cup to her lips and see the longing in her eyes every time someone walks by with a steaming hot cup of high test. Oh, and if she gets a cappuccino, we get the top foam. But I still think cheerios are better. Don't tell her that either, ok?

It was a long day yesterday. She spent days in the grocery while we slept. I know that is the day she buys all the goodies for our giant meatloaf casserole and I love the smell of the stuff when she parks the bags under our seats. Our noses stay pretty busy trying to guess which batch she is going to make this time. It smelled an awful lot like steak and potatoes but I don't think she buys us steak. Or potatoes. I guess I just must have been hungry. Cheerios does that. You have a bunch and an hour later you are hungry again.

This may sound boring to you Diary, but this is the best day of the week ever. The next day when she makes our food is the 2nd best day. We get to help. I will tell you how that worked out tomorrow.

Hugs and kisses,

Lulu

A Reader named Phoebe

Dear Diary,

Phoebe here. I finished my book today. The ending made me exhausted, or it could be it was just time for breakfast. Hard to know. I can't read a human clock and apparently my canine clock still tick-tocks to Paris time.

The book was better than the reviews! They said it really was a book for the dogs, and then gave it one thumb. Don't they know that dogs don't even have thumbs? Anyway, I recommend it to all my friends, even humans. It is timely novella set in a remote far away planet that offers only toys that you can throw and foods that contain meat and fruit. The only inhabitants of the planet are canines and they never ever need thumbs for driving space cars or for eating with utensils. It is magic! I want to go there. The name of the planet is Disney. Have you heard of it? I think it took the place of Pluto when it got decommissioned.

My mom baked all day yesterday and she posted it on the gluten free website. I got to taste everything except the chocolate, which she selfishly claims is only hers. She says it is bad for us and I do trust her, but wouldn't it be nice if she offered us, say more of the other stuff? I should put that in the suggestion jar. But unfortunately she uses that as her after-4PM-drink-jar.

I am going to sign off because I have to go to Amazon and buy the sequel to my book, called, The Day Disney Offered Asylum to a Feline called Felix. I hear it got a better rating and it is much longer. Almost 15 pages! That might take me weeks to read!

Hope the credit card stays glued together!

Bye and hugs

Love, Phoebe

My Weekend Was Better than A Gopher's. Maybe.

Dear Diary,

I am back. Did you miss me?

I see that Phoebe wrote in the diary. Oh dear. I cannot understand how the woman let Phoebe anywhere near a computer, let alone the Internet. Does she not know that girl is a power shopper? I expect the cute and rather tall UPS man (who brings us cookies) to show up any day now with loads of new toys, treats, and probably not a bit of couture.

And I bet P used up the credit card. I bet the credit card either exploded or disintegrated from so much use. Someone's going to be in the dog house...

The weekend was boring for a little while until the humans came home and gave us treats and chauffeured us about in the auto. The best part is when we go to the grocery. We get some treats, a little drink and some books to read and blankets in case we want to nap while they schlep around the store. I love grocery shopping.

In this chilly weather our car is nice and toasty and since it has big windows we get to scare anyone who parks near us. Hehehe. Here's the trick. They park their car and it usually is an old human because apparently Mom and The Geek shop at old people stores. Anyway, the old human will get out of his or her car and Phoebe will pop up on the window and lick them through the glass. Hahahah. You should see their faces. Either they run for their lives, clutch their heart, or jump about 2 feet into the air. Some of them must know about dogs because they laugh at her and stick a hand on the window so Phoebe can smell them through the glass. Phoebe wiggles like any good dog without a tail and jumps up and down licking the window in glee.

Me? I just continue reading War and Peace. That impresses them some. However, no one ever thinks to bang on my window. Good thing or I would show them what peevish looks like and it isn't pretty.

What a surprise last night. Since they roasted up a chicken and were lazy beyond belief, we got chicken and potatoes for dinner. Can you imagine? No green vegetables or fruit for dessert. And they didn't share the Cherry Garcia with us. How rude was that?

Apparently the woman is baking up stuff in the kitchen this morning and making a huge mess which always makes me nervous. I am so afraid I might fall asleep and miss the avalanche of stuff falling (because she piles it mile high) on the floor from which I could taste-test. And figures. Guess who is sleeping about 3 inches from her feet? And it isn't The Geek.

Gotta go now, dear diary. But I promise to get back here before Phoebe!

Kisses,

Lulu

Hello Phoebe! Give Me My Credit Card Back!

Dearest Diary,

Nah nah nah nah. Lulu is sleeping so I got a turn. I hear (read) that lulu thinks my book is 10 whole pages but it is not! It is 12 pages because she forgot the table of contents and the last page which is just plain paper that smells really good. That makes it 12 whole pages. The biggest book lulu told me she ever read was 9.5 pages long! It is the same book as mine. (thinking, thinking). Hey! Wait a minute!

Anyway, yesterday was so much fun. I taught my mom how to go outside. It was really really easy. I thought she would be hard to train cause she is a human, but it turns out she is pretty smart. For a human. Here is my trick. I never ever ring the bells. I let lulu do that and she is always getting in trouble for ringing them too much.

This is how I shaped the trick. (I learned that reading Easy Tricks to Train Humans who are Old and Slow and Drink a lot after 4PM, by Bayard Baloney)

First, I sigh out loud and then do a cute little bow making sure she can see me. Next, I jump up near where my mom is sitting and I bounce like it is a trampoline. Then I bow and if I had a tail I would wag it, but since I don't I just wiggle. Then I do this really cute little loud sigh that I know she just loves. And every single time, she will look at me. How good is that? She trains so easily. Then I woof a little bit. Not too loud. Just enough. I pause and wait and if she looks away (she is so not getting a treat if she looks away) I start all over again. It doesn't take more than two times now and she gets it!

She will ask if I have to go out and then she opens the door. I wait. That's the trick. Wait for it. Waaaaaait. Yep! Every. Single. Time. She goes out first and then I follow. I get her to go outside! Am I good or what?

Next time I think I will try clicker training her. I hear that gets really fast results. I wonder where I can buy clickers to train humans? Hey! I'm already online. I still have her credit card number and lulu knows our address. I bet I can order more balls too. Cool!

Later diary. And shhhh. Don't tell anyone I was here.

Two paws up,

Pheebs

Dear Diary,

Last night we got to sleep in the big bed with the humans.

But I have to tell you, they just do not understand how to sleep in a pile. Don't humans know anything? I have to slap the woman with my front foot, ever so politely to get her attention. I like to sleep under the real covers, not that fake blanket stuff on top of the bedding that Phoebe always falls for. I can't quite lift it with my teeth so I need her help. Most of the time she helps me out and I dive right under those cozy covers.

I love to slam myself up against either my mom or dad but for some stupid reason they don't like that. They are always sliding me away and I always toss myself right back. And guess what? I win.

Until Phoebe, on top of the covers decides that she wants to sleep right there, on top of me. That girl is so fluffy and annoying. And she always acts so surprised when I flinch and pop out from under the covers and give her a dirty look. Like "what? what?"

So now I try to sleep on the other side but apparently that doesn't work either because those humans have to pee in the middle of the night an awful lot. And that means I have to move. I never get a good night's sleep.

I have no idea why it offends my mom when I get too warm and have to get my head out from under the covers. Just because I always end up on her pillow and my ear ends up in her nose it seems to bother her a bunch. So I try to do that really quietly. The problem is I snore. Then the woman wakes up and gets very fussy just because my ear is in her nose. I don't think she knows that ear wax is quite tasty and smells devine.

The other problem is that Phoebe moves around a lot. Sometimes she reads a book half the night and hearing those pages turning keeps me awake. I haven't a clue what she is reading but it is a really huge book. Probably 10 pages. That could take her months.

It may take me months to catch up on my sleep from all that nonsense. At least no one bothers me if I happen to nap during the day. That is, unless there is a good reason to ring the bells.

Love, Lulu

My Mother is Cruel, My Sister is a Dingbat

Dear Diary,

My mother is cruel and unusual. It always starts there, doesn't it? Today I rang the poochie bells endlessly expecting her to hop-to-it and let me out to do my, um, business, but she ignored me. So I hit them harder. And harder yet again. Nothing. I will pee on her rug, I will! If only I had to pee.

The trick is to run to the bark mulch, pee (even if you don't have to) and run back looking happy and righteous and spin in circles. She never ever passes up an opportunity to reward us with a treat if we do that. So what the heck. Since I have her trained to open the door every time I bang those bells, I could snack all day, right? But apparently she is smarter than I thought. She's been ignoring me.

Finally! The door is open, but wait! A distraction! The kids next door who ought to be in school are playing squeaky ball with a puppy? Oh no. Phoebe is addicted to squeaky balls. Before I can maneuver out to do my move on the mulch rather than the patio, Phoebe flies through the door to the fence barking like an idiot. That is not good. Not good at all. Big trouble for both of us because I can't help but join her. Barking is so contagious. Dingbat.

The only thing we got for that was an inspection of our feet to make sure we didn't step in you know what. It is all Phoebe's fault. Now the only thing we can do is look adorably cute and curl up in our love buckets under her feet which will get her to coo at us at some point. I have to pretend to be asleep for a bit, but eventually she looks at us and does that big old aaawwww noise and I know we are golden again. Which means I can try for the bells during her next coffee break in 23.5 minutes.

Yours,

Lulu

Welcome to Lulu & Phoebe's Diary of a Dog

You've known them since Paris. You heard them discuss politics. They tell you about eating gluten free. But you've never heard them talk about their day. Oh glorious day, one after another. While it might appear that each day looks similar to the next in the life of a dog, they would like to tell you that is not. Absolutely not.

One day may bring about a cooking fest in which they participate enthusiastically. Another day might bring them choice seats in the chauffeured automobile, riding around town directing the conspicuous consumption. Another day may mean a long rest from the efforts of the other days. Each day, a new adventure.

And this is the place to come if you wish to know about all things Lulu & Phoebe. The dirt. The dish. The opinions. The fashion opinions from fashionista Lulu. And the witty witticisms from Dr. Phoebe.

Me? Just the typist. I have nothing at all to say. I just take dictation and drive the auto.

Stay tuned. The muses are musing.