Ballroom Dancing

Dear Diary,

Lulu here. What a surprise I have for you! Phoebe and I are taking ballroom dancing lessons. It isn't easy, but we have been practicing so much lately getting ready for our recital. I really appreciate that our mom understands that every little dog who loves couture as much as I do, must learn a little bit of dance. After all, I wouldn't want to be a wallflower. Phoebe goes along, but I really think she is in it for the yogurt.

Here we are practicing and doing very well I think. Our foot work isn't quite right yet, and without opposable thumbs it is hard to hold hands, but we are working on it. I really appreciate that Phoebe is working hard to not knock me over so much anymore.

Tell us what you think!

Thanks Diary.

Love and kisses,

Lulu

We Love Cleanup Day

Dear Diary,

Lulu here. Yesterday was just so interesting. I knew it was chauffeur day because my mom starts cleaning up before the clean up people come to the house to clean up, and we go out so we aren't in the way.

All our toys get picked up and my Mom cleans the lint off of our nylabones. We don't like that. The lint is actually the tastiest part of the thing. Until you get it full of lint and floor stuff it really does taste kind of dull and an awful lot like vanilla pudding without the bourbon.

Before we leave Phoebe always pretends to vacuum with the Dyson. Personally I leave the vacuuming to the professionals, or at least to someone who weighs more than the Dyson, but Phoebe doesn't seem to be afraid.

Then she gets our harnesses on and off to the limo we go. Since it was a nice day we didn't get bundled in blankets which is good because it is awfully hard to bark with any seriousness when you look like ET. I really hate when people next to us at the stoplight point and laugh when we are barking at them. We look much more effective without the blankets with tiny bunnies on them. And it would also work much better if Phoebe would stop licking the windows and wiggling at them while I am busy barking.

I love clean up day. It comes so seldom, but when it does we get a day full of treats and stuff. First we go to some place where they have recently walked the children and if we are terribly lucky, we get to follow the same path as the children who drop cheerios everywhere. Mom doesn't like us to eat them, but we take turns distracting her. Phoebe will pull in one direction while I dumpster dive for the cheerios and then I pull in the other direction so Phoebe can get a few. If my mom knew how much we actually cooperate with each other we could get in really big trouble! Don't tell her please!!!

Then we get to sit on fluffy mats and watch people while my Mom pretends to drink coffee. Because we can't go into the coffee stores with her, she always misses out on a coffee when we go out with her. I should really explain to her that there is a walk up window there but she always seems to forget. I am torn, Diary. If I pull her to the window, we will miss the cheerios. But I get a tiny tug of guilt when I see her pretend to lift a pretend cup to her lips and see the longing in her eyes every time someone walks by with a steaming hot cup of high test. Oh, and if she gets a cappuccino, we get the top foam. But I still think cheerios are better. Don't tell her that either, ok?

It was a long day yesterday. She spent days in the grocery while we slept. I know that is the day she buys all the goodies for our giant meatloaf casserole and I love the smell of the stuff when she parks the bags under our seats. Our noses stay pretty busy trying to guess which batch she is going to make this time. It smelled an awful lot like steak and potatoes but I don't think she buys us steak. Or potatoes. I guess I just must have been hungry. Cheerios does that. You have a bunch and an hour later you are hungry again.

This may sound boring to you Diary, but this is the best day of the week ever. The next day when she makes our food is the 2nd best day. We get to help. I will tell you how that worked out tomorrow.

Hugs and kisses,

Lulu

A Reader named Phoebe

Dear Diary,

Phoebe here. I finished my book today. The ending made me exhausted, or it could be it was just time for breakfast. Hard to know. I can't read a human clock and apparently my canine clock still tick-tocks to Paris time.

The book was better than the reviews! They said it really was a book for the dogs, and then gave it one thumb. Don't they know that dogs don't even have thumbs? Anyway, I recommend it to all my friends, even humans. It is timely novella set in a remote far away planet that offers only toys that you can throw and foods that contain meat and fruit. The only inhabitants of the planet are canines and they never ever need thumbs for driving space cars or for eating with utensils. It is magic! I want to go there. The name of the planet is Disney. Have you heard of it? I think it took the place of Pluto when it got decommissioned.

My mom baked all day yesterday and she posted it on the gluten free website. I got to taste everything except the chocolate, which she selfishly claims is only hers. She says it is bad for us and I do trust her, but wouldn't it be nice if she offered us, say more of the other stuff? I should put that in the suggestion jar. But unfortunately she uses that as her after-4PM-drink-jar.

I am going to sign off because I have to go to Amazon and buy the sequel to my book, called, The Day Disney Offered Asylum to a Feline called Felix. I hear it got a better rating and it is much longer. Almost 15 pages! That might take me weeks to read!

Hope the credit card stays glued together!

Bye and hugs

Love, Phoebe

My Weekend Was Better than A Gopher's. Maybe.

Dear Diary,

I am back. Did you miss me?

I see that Phoebe wrote in the diary. Oh dear. I cannot understand how the woman let Phoebe anywhere near a computer, let alone the Internet. Does she not know that girl is a power shopper? I expect the cute and rather tall UPS man (who brings us cookies) to show up any day now with loads of new toys, treats, and probably not a bit of couture.

And I bet P used up the credit card. I bet the credit card either exploded or disintegrated from so much use. Someone's going to be in the dog house...

The weekend was boring for a little while until the humans came home and gave us treats and chauffeured us about in the auto. The best part is when we go to the grocery. We get some treats, a little drink and some books to read and blankets in case we want to nap while they schlep around the store. I love grocery shopping.

In this chilly weather our car is nice and toasty and since it has big windows we get to scare anyone who parks near us. Hehehe. Here's the trick. They park their car and it usually is an old human because apparently Mom and The Geek shop at old people stores. Anyway, the old human will get out of his or her car and Phoebe will pop up on the window and lick them through the glass. Hahahah. You should see their faces. Either they run for their lives, clutch their heart, or jump about 2 feet into the air. Some of them must know about dogs because they laugh at her and stick a hand on the window so Phoebe can smell them through the glass. Phoebe wiggles like any good dog without a tail and jumps up and down licking the window in glee.

Me? I just continue reading War and Peace. That impresses them some. However, no one ever thinks to bang on my window. Good thing or I would show them what peevish looks like and it isn't pretty.

What a surprise last night. Since they roasted up a chicken and were lazy beyond belief, we got chicken and potatoes for dinner. Can you imagine? No green vegetables or fruit for dessert. And they didn't share the Cherry Garcia with us. How rude was that?

Apparently the woman is baking up stuff in the kitchen this morning and making a huge mess which always makes me nervous. I am so afraid I might fall asleep and miss the avalanche of stuff falling (because she piles it mile high) on the floor from which I could taste-test. And figures. Guess who is sleeping about 3 inches from her feet? And it isn't The Geek.

Gotta go now, dear diary. But I promise to get back here before Phoebe!

Kisses,

Lulu

Hello Phoebe! Give Me My Credit Card Back!

Dearest Diary,

Nah nah nah nah. Lulu is sleeping so I got a turn. I hear (read) that lulu thinks my book is 10 whole pages but it is not! It is 12 pages because she forgot the table of contents and the last page which is just plain paper that smells really good. That makes it 12 whole pages. The biggest book lulu told me she ever read was 9.5 pages long! It is the same book as mine. (thinking, thinking). Hey! Wait a minute!

Anyway, yesterday was so much fun. I taught my mom how to go outside. It was really really easy. I thought she would be hard to train cause she is a human, but it turns out she is pretty smart. For a human. Here is my trick. I never ever ring the bells. I let lulu do that and she is always getting in trouble for ringing them too much.

This is how I shaped the trick. (I learned that reading Easy Tricks to Train Humans who are Old and Slow and Drink a lot after 4PM, by Bayard Baloney)

First, I sigh out loud and then do a cute little bow making sure she can see me. Next, I jump up near where my mom is sitting and I bounce like it is a trampoline. Then I bow and if I had a tail I would wag it, but since I don't I just wiggle. Then I do this really cute little loud sigh that I know she just loves. And every single time, she will look at me. How good is that? She trains so easily. Then I woof a little bit. Not too loud. Just enough. I pause and wait and if she looks away (she is so not getting a treat if she looks away) I start all over again. It doesn't take more than two times now and she gets it!

She will ask if I have to go out and then she opens the door. I wait. That's the trick. Wait for it. Waaaaaait. Yep! Every. Single. Time. She goes out first and then I follow. I get her to go outside! Am I good or what?

Next time I think I will try clicker training her. I hear that gets really fast results. I wonder where I can buy clickers to train humans? Hey! I'm already online. I still have her credit card number and lulu knows our address. I bet I can order more balls too. Cool!

Later diary. And shhhh. Don't tell anyone I was here.

Two paws up,

Pheebs

Dear Diary,

Last night we got to sleep in the big bed with the humans.

But I have to tell you, they just do not understand how to sleep in a pile. Don't humans know anything? I have to slap the woman with my front foot, ever so politely to get her attention. I like to sleep under the real covers, not that fake blanket stuff on top of the bedding that Phoebe always falls for. I can't quite lift it with my teeth so I need her help. Most of the time she helps me out and I dive right under those cozy covers.

I love to slam myself up against either my mom or dad but for some stupid reason they don't like that. They are always sliding me away and I always toss myself right back. And guess what? I win.

Until Phoebe, on top of the covers decides that she wants to sleep right there, on top of me. That girl is so fluffy and annoying. And she always acts so surprised when I flinch and pop out from under the covers and give her a dirty look. Like "what? what?"

So now I try to sleep on the other side but apparently that doesn't work either because those humans have to pee in the middle of the night an awful lot. And that means I have to move. I never get a good night's sleep.

I have no idea why it offends my mom when I get too warm and have to get my head out from under the covers. Just because I always end up on her pillow and my ear ends up in her nose it seems to bother her a bunch. So I try to do that really quietly. The problem is I snore. Then the woman wakes up and gets very fussy just because my ear is in her nose. I don't think she knows that ear wax is quite tasty and smells devine.

The other problem is that Phoebe moves around a lot. Sometimes she reads a book half the night and hearing those pages turning keeps me awake. I haven't a clue what she is reading but it is a really huge book. Probably 10 pages. That could take her months.

It may take me months to catch up on my sleep from all that nonsense. At least no one bothers me if I happen to nap during the day. That is, unless there is a good reason to ring the bells.

Love, Lulu

My Mother is Cruel, My Sister is a Dingbat

Dear Diary,

My mother is cruel and unusual. It always starts there, doesn't it? Today I rang the poochie bells endlessly expecting her to hop-to-it and let me out to do my, um, business, but she ignored me. So I hit them harder. And harder yet again. Nothing. I will pee on her rug, I will! If only I had to pee.

The trick is to run to the bark mulch, pee (even if you don't have to) and run back looking happy and righteous and spin in circles. She never ever passes up an opportunity to reward us with a treat if we do that. So what the heck. Since I have her trained to open the door every time I bang those bells, I could snack all day, right? But apparently she is smarter than I thought. She's been ignoring me.

Finally! The door is open, but wait! A distraction! The kids next door who ought to be in school are playing squeaky ball with a puppy? Oh no. Phoebe is addicted to squeaky balls. Before I can maneuver out to do my move on the mulch rather than the patio, Phoebe flies through the door to the fence barking like an idiot. That is not good. Not good at all. Big trouble for both of us because I can't help but join her. Barking is so contagious. Dingbat.

The only thing we got for that was an inspection of our feet to make sure we didn't step in you know what. It is all Phoebe's fault. Now the only thing we can do is look adorably cute and curl up in our love buckets under her feet which will get her to coo at us at some point. I have to pretend to be asleep for a bit, but eventually she looks at us and does that big old aaawwww noise and I know we are golden again. Which means I can try for the bells during her next coffee break in 23.5 minutes.

Yours,

Lulu

Welcome to Lulu & Phoebe's Diary of a Dog

You've known them since Paris. You heard them discuss politics. They tell you about eating gluten free. But you've never heard them talk about their day. Oh glorious day, one after another. While it might appear that each day looks similar to the next in the life of a dog, they would like to tell you that is not. Absolutely not.

One day may bring about a cooking fest in which they participate enthusiastically. Another day might bring them choice seats in the chauffeured automobile, riding around town directing the conspicuous consumption. Another day may mean a long rest from the efforts of the other days. Each day, a new adventure.

And this is the place to come if you wish to know about all things Lulu & Phoebe. The dirt. The dish. The opinions. The fashion opinions from fashionista Lulu. And the witty witticisms from Dr. Phoebe.

Me? Just the typist. I have nothing at all to say. I just take dictation and drive the auto.

Stay tuned. The muses are musing.